My name is Julie Wilson, and I am a patient of Dr. Blau’s.
In January of 2016, I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. Yeah, I was denovo despite all of the preparations I took trying to “catch” my cancer early. Over the years, I have lost my hair four times and have been through more scans and blood draws than I can count as well as at least 11 lines of treatment.
It is A LOT.
However, I AM still here and most importantly, I am doing well. I use writing as a creative way to help me work through the ups and downs of this chronic illness. Support comes in many forms and for me writing is one way I find the means to process, to understand and to connect to others.
Thank you so much for reading my most recent piece, “Faith and Trust And a Little Bit of Pixie Dust,” inspired after my last visit with Dr. Blau.
Faith and Trust And a Little Bit of Pixie Dust
Remember the scene in Disney’s 1953 Peter Pan when Peter is convincing Wendy and the boys to travel with him to Neverland?
He enthusiastically leaps about the room confiding in her that it is easier if you try!
You have to think wonderful thoughts and “All it takes is faith and trust…
Oh! And something I forgot: Dust. Just a little bit of pixie dust.”
Magical pixie dust.
That is how I feel everytime I talk with Dr. Blau.
If I find myself defeated or faltering in anyway, she spreads magical, golden pixie dust all over my head. It can be so subtle that I don’t even recognize it happening until after I am completely dusted.If I find myself thinking the current treatment is too much, she rallies me convincing me that I can do hard things, and it will be better this next time. Her magical fairy dust gently falls and settles upon my shoulders wrapping me warmly in belief. I believe with all of my heart in every, single one of her words, and I leave the office knowing I can, and I will walk through the door of the infusion ward later that week knowing that
THIS time, it is going to be far easier than EVER before.
THIS time, it will be different.
THIS time, I BELIEVE.
I know it just takes faith, trust and a little bit of dust,
And I am once again hooked.
I leave the office knowing, believing I can fly.
Last Thursday, I walked into the infusion ward, confident that the 15% reduction in my dose of Abraxane was going to be a miracle!
A true miracle: an effective AND gentle chemotherapy!!
Yes, the juxtaposition of those two words is completely ludicrous; however, when Dr. Blau soothes me with her golden, liquid-like words of honey, she rallies me to believe. Of course, I silently reason with myself and expect the chemo to push me a little, for it is chemo afterall, but instead of a hard push I begin thinking that perhaps I will feel more of a soft nudge? maybe even more of a gentle reminder?
Typically Fridays after chemo are challenging and unpredictable.
Yet, I knew this time I would find brightness and lightness come Friday morning. I knew this time I would find the energy and excitement to work my way through my 8:30 AM workout with Jolyn, the clear, cold skies of blue inspiring rather than frigidly intimidating. I knew this time, I would find myself capable of holding to my virtual appointments later that day. I knew this time I would be capable of leaving the house to pick up a prescription and dropping off a return package at the post office.
Easy, peasy because Blau said it would be so.
She said, “Fifteen percent IS a significant reduction. You should definitely feel the impact of this lighter dose. Your PET scan was EXCEPTIONAL, so we can now play with the dose by dropping it and seeing what happens. This is very good news Julie.”
And she smiled.
And that is how it happens. Magical, golden pixie dust fills the room, and I float out the door filled with possibility and positivity.
I believe I can fly.
I leap and off to Neverland I go.
And, then I land.